My friend Sam started an advice column. She asked my opinion, and that was her first mistake. Now it is OUR advice column. Agreeing to this was her second mistake. We’re calling it Advice for the Lovelorn and Mildly to Morbidly Curious. We think that covers most everybody, so we’re expecting to be an instant hit.
For our first column, Sam and I have asked ourselves a question. Hopefully, we won’t have to do this every time, because it might get weird. We might overshare. Also, we’re not sure a romantic advice column where we speak only to ourselves is quite the promotional material our publisher wants. Although honestly, it’s worked quite nicely up to now.
Our First Official Question comes from Sam, and she pretends to ask us this: what should I get my husband for Christmas?
Our friend Rosey (we cannot believe she’s still hanging out with us) suggested we divide husbands into categories. So Sam decided on four categories.
- Sporty Husband
Okay – so looking at Sam’s blog, it is apparent that Sam doesn’t understand the term sporty. She suggested a helmet or watch. And the watch should have a barometer. I googled “sport requiring helmet and barometer” and Sam has recommended the perfect gift for deep sea diving. In case you’re in the minority group whose sporty husbands do not deep sea dive, might I suggest tickets to a sportsball event? Look at how Not Very Hard I had to try to be more sporty than Sam.
- Romantically Enthusiastic Husband
Sam eloquently refers to this category of husband as the Horny Husband, and she recommended lingerie. She also let it slip that she wore a French maid costume on her wedding night, which I think was a gross misrepresentation of character. I bet Sam doesn’t even own a feather duster, which is a crying shame because they’re super fun. I wonder how that cleaning sex kitten deal is working out for her husband ten years later? What I recommend for the Romantically Enthusiastic husband is a hotel room. And you can even go with him if you want.
The two remaining categories—honestly, I forget exactly what they are—resulted in Sam’s recommendation for hazmat suits and used shoes from Ebay. You’ll have to read Sam’s Blog to get the details, but I’m skipping those two categories and making up some of my own.
- Cooking Husband
Cooking husbands are easy to buy for, because GADGETS. From the perfect garlic press to the perfect spaghetti pot (which is what mine is getting this year), the options are endless and available in every price category. And if you don’t have a Cooking Husband, you can still buy him a kitchen gadget. It’ll be like that year he bought you a fishing rod. In fact, go ahead and buy him those new yoga pants you’ve had your eye on, too.
- Adventurous Husband
Another easy one. What adventurous guy wouldn’t want to hold Sam’s husband’s air hose while he goes deep sea diving? Just imagine your guy sitting topside—on a boat—watching Sam’s husband’s lifeline disappear into the dark depths of the ocean. It will be even better than watching golf on TV.
Happy Holidays (I mean that in a nice way) and may your gift-giving me merry and bright! And hopefully a little freakishly bizarre.